For Alexia

I love her smile, and I love her face. I love her tiny finger and toes, I love her spirit so full of grace, and the laughter of her heart. Her little ears, and her beautiful eyes, every day there is a new surprise. Her little legs, and arms the magic of of her touch, her sweet little kisses, to me they mean so much. Oh darling sweet little one your everything to me, nothing else matters to me your all I see. I cherish every moment I get to spend with you, I was once one and now I am two. You are my whole universe, my every soul and breath. I will always love you forever you have touched my heart with your love, and everyday I thank the world and the stars above, for bringing you into my life I'm the luckiest girl in the world, thank you lord for bring me my beautiful baby girl. I love you Alexia...Your mommy

A tough decision

I clench my fists, and bite my tongue, and swallow salty tears. I use to be much stronger, I've lost it over the years. I have to find the strength now to take back what was lost, I'll do it now I don't care how whatever it may cost. Your constant negativity has brought me to this place, and do you even know when you've got it good? I look an see your face, Its blank I see and the answer to that question is an obvious no, I'm sorry I can take no more and now its time to go. What ever we had once is lost and gone away, Did we ever have anything? its so hard for me to say. I simply can't remember or bring back yesterday, I wouldn't even want to even if I could, I really must be going now.....Tomorrow is no good.

Quieting the mind...

Hush now when I'm trying to sleep, for the mind has a mind of it's own. Count to ten take a deep breath in, to the land of dreams I must go. Hold not the memories of the day, within your weary mind, for these are already come and gone just leave them far behind. Let the voices of the day fade way, and the chatter cease to roll. Tuck yourself in, and let it begin, and the silence will unfold...Many wonderful dreams to far away lands, and exotic love awaits, while your nestled deep within the places where wonderment of the mind will amaze. To erase all the worry doubt and fear you came across in your day. I'ts not that hard to find my dear I can show you the way. If you should ever need me while I''m looking for this peace .. whisper my name within your heart, and my love you will surely find, I'll be lying there waiting my dear... I'll be quieting my mind. Sweet dreams...

A beutiful dream...

I dreamt last night of a kiss, one with passion so searing it Burt my soul with its intensity. Shaking the foundation of my existence, and tearing through my body like a wave of a tsunami. Flesh hot and tingly, unexpected was the kiss, bold, and intentional. My legs grew weak as it sucked out my energies, and made me bend to its very will. Helpless was I to this beauty I had never felt before having no prior feeling to compare it to, my mind was enveloped in the waves of pure bliss it seemed to produce. My body fell limp and danced to a song that seemed to come from nowhere but was everywhere all at once. Sparks flew as our bodies melded together; hands firmly on my body seemed to disappear into me like they were there all along bringing me a feeling of euphoria that transcended me to heights of beauty and synchronicity. I dreamt last night of a kiss, one of mighty passion a passion that could stand alone needing nothing else. A passion so deep one could drown in it. I dreamt last night…..I dreamt of a passionate kiss.

The worst case senaraio, the beginning of Jack Sherman.

Jack Sherman put on his coat and hat and mumbled to himself as he headed for the door. “Might be cold, even worse I might get stuck in a snow storm, If it were to snow”. Being the middle of September in Seattle that wasn’t very logical, yet he had to say it. Jack wasn’t an optimist not at all yet he couldn’t help himself. He always thought the worst thing would happen. He expected it to. In Jacks mind lived a man horrified to live. He was afraid of drowning, fire, germs, and bugs creepy crawlies of any kind. Jack was afraid of people and their intentions towards him so much so that he only had a few close friends his whole life, which up till now was thirty eight years. Jack was an attractive man chiseled features big alluring eyes a color that caught you off guard when you looked into them. It was almost breathtaking. That’s not how Jack saw himself. He saw when he looked into the mirror a sad older man short, and kind of stubby with not allot to offer. He saw a man that life had treated unkindly, and used and abused and threw away. He was very unhappy most of the time; he walked around with his shoulders slightly hunched over and no smile on his face to be seen. His posture and lack of emotions at all on his face were purposefully, as to say I don’t care anymore, and I want you to notice please. Jack’s eyes didn’t sparkle anymore as they had when he was a younger man, a man that had dreams, and a different outlook on the world that hadn’t been jaded by years of disappointments, and failures. His was a self created prison where he was the prisoner, and the warden. He could let himself out any time he wanted to, but that was just it he didn’t want to. He had come to love his misery like a child likes to open the curtains in the morning on a school day and find snow. He loved his misery so much because it never let him down. It did just want he expected, and it was his security blanket. A blanket with holes, and tears from time, but comforting, like you could grab it and pull it around your neck and face to hide from the world outside. Jack thought that if he stuck his hand out for someone to shake it would get cut off or at least be full of germs, germs that would make Jack a very sick man.

The beginning of my dream journal, maybe sharing this in the future, haven't decided yet.

Now I lay me down to sleep I pray good dreams are mine to keep, If I should run in fright and scream..I'll tell myself it's just a dream... Amber Nelson

Here is the beginning of my auto-biography titled "Champagne twelve years of tears", just a small sample hope to one day finish it, and get it published.

The water from the shower falls down my back and down my face, and tiny drops gather on my eye lashes, and down my lips. I lick my lips just to get a little taste of the water that sooths my whole body. As I re- live tonight’s events in my mind. I can’t believe I took off my clothes on a stage with a full house of people watching. Ok maybe I didn’t take off all my clothes, but almost. Down to my bra and panties this was enough for me to be in shock of myself.

I was nineteen years old when I moved to the city from a small town, and headed for bigger and better places, I thought. I had big dreams of being a model, and an actress. These dreams would have to be put on hold for a while almost entirely for about twelve years, as I explored a world hardly known to most everyday people. A world of sex, drugs, hidden lives, and murder. My life as an exotic dancer.

Another poem...

These secrets that I have to keep ring so true and run so deep. The rivers of the world would overflow if they knew the secrets I know. Time may never let me forget the secrets that I will never regret. I keep them locked way down inside these secrets that I have to hide. Why must they haunt me so, these secrets that I must know? Only time can really tell if these secrets will serve me well, but for now I will just lie down and sleep with these secrets that I have to keep. Amber Nelson

A Poem for Dawn…

I wrote this for my cousin who passed away a couple of years ago I miss her terribly!

Beautiful, beautiful Dawn what great times we’ve had together I can’t believe you’re gone. We bonded as young children, and our friendship lasted through out the years. You were sometimes my inspiration, and sometimes my partner in crime, but no matter what we did we knew we had each other, and that as long as we did we knew we were going to be ok. Now that your gone it seems so unreal to me, you were so young and pretty, and the sweetest kindest soul that I know lives on somewhere that I can’t see, but I know your there. I try to remember all the good times we’ve had together, and when I do I have to laugh out loud at your humor, and how you could always make me laugh even when I didn’t want to even when I wanted to cry instead. I Love you and I will keep a place in my heart for you until we can be together again. I will always remember how we touched each others lives, and how lucky I was to have gotten the chance to love you. You will be greatly missed. The world has lost one our brightest shinning stars that now lights up the heavens for us to some day join you. Our beautiful Dawn… Amber Joy

Here is another piece of writing from my many. It is a poem I wrote for a writing group. Its called a good place to be.

There was a place where rivers flowed and ran into the sea. There was a time when the light was brighter, and it shined on you and me. In this place were rows of trees that seemed to never end, where every person that you meet is a person that’s your friend. The flower’s smell would overwhelm, and take your breath away, and in this place a song bird’s songs could be heard every single day. I can sometimes go there if only in my dreams, and see the butterflies flying way above the trees. Some day we will be there we’ll go you and me, where rivers flowed so joyously and ran into the sea. Amber Nelson

This is my very first blog, and I want to share some writing of mine. Here is a song I woke up with in my head, and couldn't get it out until I wrote it down. It is called "Duality"..

Duality

I’ve been eatin this shit that you’ve been feeding me-

Doesn’t make the hunger go it’s killin me-

Hard to see your face when you’re ignoring me, gotta stop this pain cause its absorbing me.

Tried to go tonight, but you just made me leave, hard to feel your love when you are beedin me- not much left to take hey are you kiddin me?

Freedom’s just a word but are we really free? Tie me up inside the care is leavin me.

Had to feel your anger and your jealousy, all these rules you make you only make for me, you know what that’s called, It’s called hypocrisy. More that one of you, and that’s duality I’ll tell you one more time its either him or me.

Amber Nelson...